I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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