i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
