I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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