Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize