Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize