my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just high enough for therapy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
