I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
