Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
