he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
vagina is talking i cant
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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