What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
