I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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