i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize