I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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