atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
