I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you had me at cake vodka
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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