I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pants are for mortals
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
