Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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