hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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