Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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