I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
