im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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