Moan for me like Helen Keller
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
