Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
