Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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