oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
