u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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