So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
