I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
