I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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