im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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