Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
