I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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