please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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