someone threw a dead crab at me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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