I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i drank out of a bidet.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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