After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Houston, we have a blender
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
