i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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