Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
