I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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