nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
