Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
