we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
