I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
