I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
