I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
