I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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