He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pants are for mortals
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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