I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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