Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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