Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
