Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
