he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
