how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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