So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
