I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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