dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
