HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
