Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
