Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
